Day 128: Get the bug fixing done that I started on and didn't figure out how to fix yesterday. Feel accomplished and that I made good progress on the thing that I once felt I had no incentive to finish (Day 61). Feel the sadness/depression when I take breaks. Aside from the aloneness, perhaps I … Continue reading Days 128-132
Days 120-127
Day 120: Productivity. Feel taken aback by people believing in me. Feel motivated to learn as much as I can. Day 121: Not as productive as I could be and seems I might be falling behind but feel it's whatever. Day 122: Learn stuff related to the project rather than actually working on the project. … Continue reading Days 120-127
Days 115-119
Day 115: the feeling of disinterest for my field continues Day 116: Find life tedious. Anxiety and sadness about my current life ending already. So much change so soon and so many concerns (at least four). Hearken back on "death as change" and complete the required tasks to continue the process. Day 117: In an … Continue reading Days 115-119
Dying
My death wish—I am getting it. To reestablish myself over a thousand miles away in a place with hundreds of times as many people. Concerns abound, but at this rate... at this rate... Perhaps I really will feel like I am dying. The stress, the anxiety—like what can result from the realization that one might … Continue reading Dying
Days 106-114
Day 106: Start to feel that my abilities are inadequate but then laugh it off. Freak out about the potential life changing event because things seem to be happening so fast. Drink some herbal tea to calm down and get a lot of stuff done, to the point where I can't seem to stop working … Continue reading Days 106-114
Days 101-105
Day 101: Laugh about a potential mistake that comes from my jumping the gun before getting confirmation (I haven't completely screwed up, right? Right!?) and feel surprised and happy about "those people" responding (day 99). Existential depression from earlier later turned to anxiety about next day social situation. Why can't we just do everything online? … Continue reading Days 101-105
Days 92-100
Day 92: Wonder why I'm so hyper. Day 93: More hyperness. And emotions. Feel them. Get an update on the potentially life changing event at a significant time. Day 94: Not trying to make things happen and not trying to prevent them ("sabotage" myself) either. After being in a good mood, have my daily existential … Continue reading Days 92-100
Days 86-91
Day 86: A better mood than yesterday. Feel overwhelmed after carrying out errands involving extensive people-interaction. The few hours of sleep don't help. Beneath the anxiety seems to be aloneness. Cry about the person I hugged last... who last hugged me. Day 87: Hit by depression but get to recuperate after yesterday's foray into the … Continue reading Days 86-91
Uncharted
For the past few nights now, I've woken up around midnight and failed to get back to sleep. During this time, I can find myself thinking about the person who's no longer physically here. Tonight is no different. The Future and Life Itself So maybe I'm afraid—fearful of the future, fearful of living. Feeling stressed … Continue reading Uncharted
Death Wish
For about a decade now, I have often felt that I want to die. Perhaps I can honor this desire, not in a physical sense, but in a metaphysical sense. If I view change to be death--that is, to change would be to die--then, as I desire death, I can embrace change. Perhaps it doesn't … Continue reading Death Wish
