Shift

I said last October that maybe by this year I would have a decent job. A bajillion applications and a few failed interviews later and I wanted to give up, and I pretty much did eventually.

Well, guess who’s no longer in limbo land and has a part-time job now?

From the comfort of my bedroom, I can get paid for doing research and applying what I’ve learned. At first I found the material difficult to comprehend, but it’s only been the first day. In addition, last year’s experience of feeling like I had no clue what I was doing but eventually figuring it out has made me feel that this is doable. I’ll have time to learn (I have a better idea of what to focus on now!) and figure things out. It’s fun dissecting articles, going down rabbit holes, learning new things and applying what I’ve learned, and connecting ideas.

The job is temporary, meant to last for only a few months, until I’m to start a PhD program and I’ll have a different part-time job that’s likely to be in-person. I felt excited about the different job because of the potential subject matter but also concerned because virus and the potential to bring the virus home and expose someone (my mom) to it.

Part of me doesn’t like the idea of being excited about having a job. It’s like, “What are you? A conformist? Disgusting.” I suppose it can help to think of it not as a job but as getting paid (vital in a capitalistic system) for doing something that I like to do. It’s not being excited about having a job; I’m doing something that I like to do and I just so happen to be getting paid for it. I feel fortunate.

The totally rebel nonconformist part of me can scoff at the whole PhD thing too, but what else am I supposed to do, especially considering when school has been my go to when I don’t know what else to do? At least going this route, I don’t have to do feckin’ interviews for now.

Tell me, rebel self—with your mohawk so tall and majestic and bright and green, and your collar so spiky, and your boots so combat-y—what else would I do? What else would you suggest, huh?