Uncertainty

So maybe death is an illusion (an illusion in the sense of it not being the end that we think it can be) and maybe we're eternal, but of course these are just maybe's. Though many may speak with self-proclaimed certainty, how does one know that one knows? And then how does one know that … Continue reading Uncertainty →

Day 180

It can seem so difficult to get certain errands done around here. I ended up driving on a freeway (an infamous one) not realizing how far the place I wanted to go was and to no avail because I don't think it was open (I had to drive there to confirm because calling the number … Continue reading Day 180 →

Day 37

I wrote this in February of last year and I feel the same way right now. There's nothing in this world for me,Nothing that I want or need.All I want is to be free.Would someone end my misery?Fuck responsibilities. Obligations? God, please shoot me.Fuck attempting to impress;I want to stay true to myself. There must … Continue reading Day 37 →

Impostor

I can feel that I'm not good enough and that I don't know enough. I can think that others think I'm better than I am. I can also think that I'll be found out and revealed as the impostor that I can feel that I am. To avoid being exposed and also to try to … Continue reading Impostor →

Existential University

Content Warning: suicide, substance use, self-harm Past Days I initially went to college because I thought that was just what I was supposed to do. That was the message I got during high school. A few years before I graduated high school, I would think about life and question existence, but the existential depression didn't … Continue reading Existential University →

Peh

Premises What if my premises are wrong? Then my conclusion does not follow. Premises can consist of beliefs which can be fact-based or opinion-based. Facts are either right or wrong while opinions are neither right nor wrong. People can come to find that what they took to be true isn't true, or they could change … Continue reading Peh →

Thinking

A former teacher of mine once told me that I needed to think less about life and start living it. But I like thinking. I'd rather think about the reasons for and potential outcomes of an action before doing it. I'd rather scrutinize what's commonly considered a successful life rather than just trying to obtain … Continue reading Thinking →

Loop

Content Warning: suicide, drug trip Summer Trip I last got high on a certain over-the-counter substance almost a year ago—August 10, 2020. I felt nostalgic of my past experiences with this substance. In addition, I was stuck in a pattern of thinking—much the same as I have been recently—and I wanted to "change" my mind. … Continue reading Loop →

02:41

Why am I sitting outside at two in the morning? Insomnia. Felt bothered or irritated as I thought about life. Questioning therapy. "It seems like you want to get better because you're like, 'Hey, I'm in therapy, I want to start to feel better,' correct?" I said yes but what does it mean "to get … Continue reading 02:41 →

Feariosity

I don't like the idea of being part of a group. I quit one a year ago. At the same time, I feel like I need a safety net. Maybe I don't need groups for that purpose. Maybe other individuals would do. It's a matter of getting myself to find and keep them. I'm afraid … Continue reading Feariosity →