Pharts

Farts—are they a science or an art? Perhaps they're both. Two nights ago, after passing gas, I wondered why it would so often be silent. I found myself pondering the physics of farts. Yes, questioning farts. Question everything has been my motto, after all. "What makes a silent fart versus a non-silent fart?" I wondered … Continue reading Pharts →

Cheesecake

Dear vegan cheesecake I ordered last night, When I first tried you, I thought you tasted like garbage. I took more bites and they tasted like already eaten food. I thought you were laughably bad. Even though I didn't like you, I put the rest of you in the fridge for later because I didn't … Continue reading Cheesecake →

Zombie Apocalypse

People are afraid to go out now. People are stocking up on toilet paper, perhaps THE number one tool for survival. It's the zombie apocalypse. Afraid to step outside because they might become one too. Afraid to be around others because others could infect them. Or maybe they want to stay away because they're afraid … Continue reading Zombie Apocalypse →

Zombie Rights

Embalming Fluid As black and bitter as my soul would be if I had one. I usually try to avoid this stuff, but I need to be alert today. A Shower I desperately need one. I haven't bathed in millenia. Yes, really, it's been millions of years. Get a whiff of myself and nearly pass … Continue reading Zombie Rights →

Appearances

I'm at a grocery store because Mom wanted me to get her some grapes. This morning I was cold, so I put on a hoodie. I'm still wearing this hoodie in 90° F weather... and maybe I didn't shower this morning. It's hot. I roll up my sleeves and reveal my scars to the world, … Continue reading Appearances →