350

For the past four years, I've made a post on January 5. The first two were unintentionally on the same day. The third was intentional, and the fourth wasn't completely intentional. This post is intentional, and, fittingly, it's my three-hundred-fiftieth post. This post will be similar to 2023's post: a reflection of what happened since … Continue reading 350 →

Friendgredients

Trust Perhaps somewhat like a plant’s delicate stem, trust can be so easily broken and so difficult to repair. Protect it if it is given to you. Trust is fragile. Trust is sacred. Vulnerability Vulnerability—openness and honesty. It can follow from trust. If someone trusts you, they can feel more willing to be vulnerable with … Continue reading Friendgredients →

Alive

The bathroom floor. That's where I've been sleeping and hanging out for the past few days/nights. It's somewhere to be alone, and an isolated space away from my cat whom I can feel can want and provide too much affection. First it was my mom and now it's the cat. On the next page is … Continue reading Alive →

Polarized

It started with changing my name. First as a preferred name—which brought about anxiety, excitement, an emotional high—and then the process of making it a legal name. During that process, there were things brought to my attention, things that I'd had thoughts, even passing ones, of doing before. Given my new found situation within the … Continue reading Polarized →

2 5ths

Remember, remember the 5th of... January. In 2021, I made a blog post on January 5th, and in 2022 I made a related post on January 5th. I find it interesting how that occurred, so I'm doing so again, but this time intentionally. First, two years ago, I wrote the post Feariosity in which I … Continue reading 2 5ths →

Emergent

I'm scared. I'm scared of this change but I'm trying to do it anyway. It's moreso external obstacles than internal, because as soon as I'm over the external obstacles, it's all go from here. This can feel hard. And I can feel that I have so much to do on my own. I don't know … Continue reading Emergent →

Dying

My death wish—I am getting it. To reestablish myself over a thousand miles away in a place with hundreds of times as many people. Concerns abound, but at this rate... at this rate... Perhaps I really will feel like I am dying. The stress, the anxiety—like what can result from the realization that one might … Continue reading Dying →

Uncharted

For the past few nights now, I've woken up around midnight and failed to get back to sleep. During this time, I can find myself thinking about the person who's no longer physically here. Tonight is no different. The Future and Life Itself So maybe I'm afraid—fearful of the future, fearful of living. Feeling stressed … Continue reading Uncharted →

Day 76: Alone

I felt alone today. It's 10pm and I currently feel alone. Earlier I felt I could handle it, but now it's like maybe the aloneness has morphed into anxiety? I fell asleep and woke up feeling this way. Perhaps I just need to preoccupy myself with something. Anxiety. Fear of... the future? I suppose I … Continue reading Day 76: Alone →

Frightened

Perhaps a bit of a strong word. Maybe I'm not frightened but apprehensive or simply scared. It's like I want to write about it, as I currently have no one to confide in about this concern, but I also don't want to, as though putting what's in my head into words will make it more … Continue reading Frightened →