Day 37

I wrote this in February of last year and I feel the same way right now. There's nothing in this world for me,Nothing that I want or need.All I want is to be free.Would someone end my misery?Fuck responsibilities. Obligations? God, please shoot me.Fuck attempting to impress;I want to stay true to myself. There must … Continue reading Day 37 →

Peh

Premises What if my premises are wrong? Then my conclusion does not follow. Premises can consist of beliefs which can be fact-based or opinion-based. Facts are either right or wrong while opinions are neither right nor wrong. People can come to find that what they took to be true isn't true, or they could change … Continue reading Peh →

Angst

The fact that I exist continues to get to me. There's what's called existential therapy but it's all about responsibility which I'd rather avoid. Would rather focus on the moment and not think about the future with its unwanted obligations and consequences for not obliging. Would like my life to be as simple as comfortably … Continue reading Angst →

Slipknot

Lately I've been resistant and contrarian. I realize that my perspective is merely that–a perspective–yet I have difficulty being open to the contrary. I think it's at least partly because I think I have reached this perspective from logical conclusions. Perhaps I am afraid of letting go of what I consider to be logical. The … Continue reading Slipknot →

Reflection

Seven years ago around this time (September), I tried to end myself. What's changed since then? I don't feel as terribly depressed. Though the existential crises can still be difficult, I'm more or less acquainted with them. I've learned that I have social anxiety. I'd get this weird feeling either during or after being around … Continue reading Reflection →

Constructs

Seemingly, to be free, one must become enslaved. If one has no self-control, no discipline, then one may feel free to do what one pleases but can become slave to addictions and the undesirable consequences of actions. If one does have self-control, then one could see oneself as free of the consequences that would result … Continue reading Constructs →

Spinny Wheel of Existence

What if humans desire the feel-good things like meaning and connection merely because, in the past long ago, those that didn't desire or have those things died out? With lack of meaning, the ones who died out saw no reason to try to survive. Thus maybe the only reason we have this deep-seated need for … Continue reading Spinny Wheel of Existence →

It’s Better Right Now

I read through a notebook I used to write in five years ago. It's pretty depressing. I really feel for myself. Back then, I couldn't feel much of anything but depression and apathy, the pain of Nothing. I'm so happy now that I can feel again. I can feel joy again. I don't feel just … Continue reading It’s Better Right Now →

Musings on Meaning

Creating Meaning If I create my own meaning, then why not create as much meaning as possible? Well, I don't want to. I don't always like the idea of creating meaning out of something. It's like... I know I'm creating it, forcibly extracting something. And then it doesn't seem very meaningful at all. It's forced … Continue reading Musings on Meaning →