(In)significant Deluge

Today I drove on the highway while I was completely blind. OK, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but I did drive into some heavy rain. It started off with a few raindrops, but it picked up and I could barely see anything. I felt my heart in my chest, pounding, quickening. Thrill. I knew I'd … Continue reading (In)significant Deluge →

Self-Defense

I'm struggling against myself. Emotional masochism. Wanting to take myself down. Resisting. I don't want to give in, but I want to give in. But I don't want to give in.

Planking

The various methods of shortening one's life only lead to more misery. Nostalgia for the way I used to be, for the things I used to do, but I was miserable then too. In fact, giving in to my desire to engage in certain behaviors would likely make me feel even worse. It seems there … Continue reading Planking →

Unknowing. Is it that which I hate? Feeling uncertainty. Is this the consequence of questioning? So be it. If what I feel is from questioning, then I will accept this. It's like acid through my veins. Why do I keep finding myself here again? Because I keep questioning my beliefs, my perspectives... probably. A continuous … Continue reading →

Curiosity

Six years ago was my first stay in the psychiatric unit after driving in search of a place to kill myself. It seems significant this year because of the similar feelings. Maybe it's because I've no longer been taking medications for over two years, so I've like... "regulated." I don't know. In addition to dying, … Continue reading Curiosity →

Fear

Suicidal brain fog, a pit of despair. That was how I felt six years ago, the same time of year--June, July-ish. I had a paying internship and seemed pretty successful on outward appearances. But in actuality, I wanted to die. I tried to die. Six years ago was my lowest point and the feelings I … Continue reading Fear →

Depression

I seem to be in this state again, and it's okay. I'll not try to fight against it; I'll accept it for what it is. It's another feeling, another impermanence. I'll take it easy. I'll allow myself to simply be.

Lost

I am floating about weightlessly in deep space, undeterred by outside forces. Perhaps sooner or later, I will drift into a gravitational field of some sort. Or not. Only time will tell. I'm not on drugs, I swear. On a more serious note, this feels depressing. Much of what I used to find important no … Continue reading Lost →