Day 180

It can seem so difficult to get certain errands done around here. I ended up driving on a freeway (an infamous one) not realizing how far the place I wanted to go was and to no avail because I don't think it was open (I had to drive there to confirm because calling the number … Continue reading Day 180 →

Uncharted

For the past few nights now, I've woken up around midnight and failed to get back to sleep. During this time, I can find myself thinking about the person who's no longer physically here. Tonight is no different. The Future and Life Itself So maybe I'm afraid—fearful of the future, fearful of living. Feeling stressed … Continue reading Uncharted →

Day 76: Alone

I felt alone today. It's 10pm and I currently feel alone. Earlier I felt I could handle it, but now it's like maybe the aloneness has morphed into anxiety? I fell asleep and woke up feeling this way. Perhaps I just need to preoccupy myself with something. Anxiety. Fear of... the future? I suppose I … Continue reading Day 76: Alone →

Day 37

I wrote this in February of last year and I feel the same way right now. There's nothing in this world for me,Nothing that I want or need.All I want is to be free.Would someone end my misery?Fuck responsibilities. Obligations? God, please shoot me.Fuck attempting to impress;I want to stay true to myself. There must … Continue reading Day 37 →

Existential University

Content Warning: suicide, substance use, self-harm Past Days I initially went to college because I thought that was just what I was supposed to do. That was the message I got during high school. A few years before I graduated high school, I would think about life and question existence, but the existential depression didn't … Continue reading Existential University →

02:41

Why am I sitting outside at two in the morning? Insomnia. Felt bothered or irritated as I thought about life. Questioning therapy. "It seems like you want to get better because you're like, 'Hey, I'm in therapy, I want to start to feel better,' correct?" I said yes but what does it mean "to get … Continue reading 02:41 →

Angst

The fact that I exist continues to get to me. There's what's called existential therapy but it's all about responsibility which I'd rather avoid. Would rather focus on the moment and not think about the future with its unwanted obligations and consequences for not obliging. Would like my life to be as simple as comfortably … Continue reading Angst →

Slipknot

Lately I've been resistant and contrarian. I realize that my perspective is merely that–a perspective–yet I have difficulty being open to the contrary. I think it's at least partly because I think I have reached this perspective from logical conclusions. Perhaps I am afraid of letting go of what I consider to be logical. The … Continue reading Slipknot →

Feariosity

I don't like the idea of being part of a group. I quit one a year ago. At the same time, I feel like I need a safety net. Maybe I don't need groups for that purpose. Maybe other individuals would do. It's a matter of getting myself to find and keep them. I'm afraid … Continue reading Feariosity →

Dormant

Waiting for the pointless cycle to end. It exists for no sufficient reason, continues merely because of inertia. I don't want to participate. Perhaps the cycle will never end, but eventually, my participation will. I find myself here again, resigned to the belief that this cyclical perpetuation is meaningless; it's driven only by the inertia … Continue reading Dormant →