Alive

The bathroom floor. That's where I've been sleeping and hanging out for the past few days/nights. It's somewhere to be alone, and an isolated space away from my cat whom I can feel can want and provide too much affection. First it was my mom and now it's the cat. On the next page is … Continue reading Alive →

Goodbye: A Reflection

It's another anniversary. I wrote a post on the day it happened. In my post I said that I believed we could make it. We did make it. We were okay, my mom and I, until the end. Looking through her stuff today made me think of how I'd help her at her appointments. She … Continue reading Goodbye: A Reflection →

Decay

I've felt for so long that once my parents were gone, I could finally end it. Now I'm here in this strange place alone, and I can feel that I want to be gone too. They're not here anymore so why should I even be here? I don't even know what I'm doing here, both … Continue reading Decay →

Emergent

I'm scared. I'm scared of this change but I'm trying to do it anyway. It's moreso external obstacles than internal, because as soon as I'm over the external obstacles, it's all go from here. This can feel hard. And I can feel that I have so much to do on my own. I don't know … Continue reading Emergent →

Dying

My death wish—I am getting it. To reestablish myself over a thousand miles away in a place with hundreds of times as many people. Concerns abound, but at this rate... at this rate... Perhaps I really will feel like I am dying. The stress, the anxiety—like what can result from the realization that one might … Continue reading Dying →

Uncharted

For the past few nights now, I've woken up around midnight and failed to get back to sleep. During this time, I can find myself thinking about the person who's no longer physically here. Tonight is no different. The Future and Life Itself So maybe I'm afraid—fearful of the future, fearful of living. Feeling stressed … Continue reading Uncharted →

Death Wish

For about a decade now, I have often felt that I want to die. Perhaps I can honor this desire, not in a physical sense, but in a metaphysical sense. If I view change to be death--that is, to change would be to die--then, as I desire death, I can embrace change. Perhaps it doesn't … Continue reading Death Wish →

Day 76: Alone

I felt alone today. It's 10pm and I currently feel alone. Earlier I felt I could handle it, but now it's like maybe the aloneness has morphed into anxiety? I fell asleep and woke up feeling this way. Perhaps I just need to preoccupy myself with something. Anxiety. Fear of... the future? I suppose I … Continue reading Day 76: Alone →

Day 37

I wrote this in February of last year and I feel the same way right now. There's nothing in this world for me,Nothing that I want or need.All I want is to be free.Would someone end my misery?Fuck responsibilities. Obligations? God, please shoot me.Fuck attempting to impress;I want to stay true to myself. There must … Continue reading Day 37 →

Quality/Quantity

Often times, quality can be better than quantity—when it comes to life for example. Why eek it out to 100 years if you can be fairly certain that you're going to live in agony when you could have a higher quality of life by living only half as long? I think in many cases, people … Continue reading Quality/Quantity →