While hugging a tree in the rain, I came to that conclusion. I'd gotten back from one of those events, only going out of a sense of obligation. I left in the middle of it. I love my life. It might not look like much from the outside, when compared to the standard, but it's … Continue reading My Life is Meaningful
Everything is Dumb
I have no idea if anyone reads these posts anymore. Sometimes--to keep going, to feel okay--it helps to see everything as stupid. It makes life seem more bearable, and funny, which makes it seem more bearable.
Meaning in Struggle
Holding on to this, to the struggle, to not having attained. Cherishing this, because it means so much. The tears, the blood, they mean so much. Feels good to bleed, to sweat, to stretch and exert my muscles. Keep moving; don't get cold. Momentum.
Self-Criticism
I find it funny how the one usually laughing or cringing at me is myself. I can imagine everyone else, in regards to something I might do, is like, "Eh, it's fine," and I'm like, "Are you kidding me!? It's not fine!" It's like I feel like I'm not good enough and I project those … Continue reading Self-Criticism
Meaning and Muse
To struggle with meaning--a perturbation, an unpleasant sensation, a constant questioning. Continually challenging what one finds important. This, does it really matter? Does it really matter to me? I find myself here again. Perhaps it's now a yearly recurrence. I want to finish it... if not for myself, then for you. I want to tell … Continue reading Meaning and Muse
Musings on Meaning
Creating Meaning If I create my own meaning, then why not create as much meaning as possible? Well, I don't want to. I don't always like the idea of creating meaning out of something. It's like... I know I'm creating it, forcibly extracting something. And then it doesn't seem very meaningful at all. It's forced … Continue reading Musings on Meaning
Railings
I feel like I need to put up safeguards for myself for the future. I feel like I could do something drastic. With the clarity of Dr. Jekyll, how do I prevent Mr. Hyde from destroying us both?
Appearances
I'm at a grocery store because Mom wanted me to get her some grapes. This morning I was cold, so I put on a hoodie. I'm still wearing this hoodie in 90° F weather... and maybe I didn't shower this morning. It's hot. I roll up my sleeves and reveal my scars to the world, … Continue reading Appearances
Worthy/Unworthy
Is life worth living? That can depend on one's mindset. In one particular moment, I might feel as though life is worth living, and in the next, that feeling could slip away. It all passes--transience, unlasting. If I take time in the moment to write about how life is worth living, or if I take … Continue reading Worthy/Unworthy
Obsessive
Meaning has been so important to me. It, or the lack thereof, has been what's fueled my obsession with suicide in the past. I would have thought that reading too much meaning into things would lead to a madness, a losing touch with reality. But it seems that seeing no meaning at all can do … Continue reading Obsessive
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