I wanted to feel again, and now I do. The feelings aren't always pleasant, but I'm no longer numb. I wrote this five years ago: Want to be angry, want to cry.Are these drugs controlling my mind?I try to feel but I am stopped shortBy some [f-ing] chemicals in my brain or some [sh-]--[GODD-IT] FEEL … Continue reading I Feel.
Keep Going
Agonizingly painful truths and realizations. They say it's so much better on the other side, but I keep wondering if it's an illusion. I suppose I'll never know if I don't keep going. (Accidental rhymes, yo.)
Converse, Connect
I oft have a thirst that seems insatiable. I'm hungry for more. I want more. It's never enough until it's too much and I have to spend my day recuperating in the cool darkness of my closet, jumping at the slightest of noises. And then I have to leave the closet because I am thirsty … Continue reading Converse, Connect
Fall
A redefining of what I find valuable, of what I find meaningful. I am shedding my leaves.
Stay on the Board
I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to jump off anymore. I had a good time tonight, accepting hospitality, accepting kindness, accepting connection. At times I felt like I wanted to run away but I stayed, I stayed and I had fun. There's still the urge to jump off, but I want … Continue reading Stay on the Board
Marinating
I stayed inside today. I had been planning to go out but the anxiety was getting to me, and I just wanted to stay home. I've met and interacted with a lot of cool people and now I just want to soak in the experiences. I'll probably be out there again soon enough.
Railings II
I feel like I'm putting up the safeguards and part of me doesn't like that. It's screeching at me to stop, but I continue. I just want to keep going, and my actions have the added effect of being buffers. That part of me, it hates this. It wants to turn away, it wants to … Continue reading Railings II
It’s Better Right Now
I read through a notebook I used to write in five years ago. It's pretty depressing. I really feel for myself. Back then, I couldn't feel much of anything but depression and apathy, the pain of Nothing. I'm so happy now that I can feel again. I can feel joy again. I don't feel just … Continue reading It’s Better Right Now
More than One Kind of Cookie
People might want you to believe that there is only one kind of cookie, but don't buy it--don't buy their cookies... unless you really want to. There are a variety of cookies, and one person's delicious could be another's vile. I tried someone's cookies. They had dark chocolate chunks in them. Sweet yet bitter. In … Continue reading More than One Kind of Cookie
Gratitude
Sometimes I feel bad about being grateful. Why do I have such fortune and not others? What makes me more worthy than anyone else? To feel grateful about not being as bad off as someone else I think can be kind of messed up. What about the other person!? Especially if their circumstances are no … Continue reading Gratitude
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