Illusions/Excuses

Correlations with positive, hopeful moods: Goals Gratitude Meaning and sense of purpose Those seem important in fending off existential dread and feelings of wanting to die, but I don't care anymore. My interests and viewpoints change so often that it can be difficult to keep goals. Aiming for the same thing day after day becomes … Continue reading Illusions/Excuses →

Planking

The various methods of shortening one's life only lead to more misery. Nostalgia for the way I used to be, for the things I used to do, but I was miserable then too. In fact, giving in to my desire to engage in certain behaviors would likely make me feel even worse. It seems there … Continue reading Planking →

Satisfaction in subconscious sabotage. Amounting to nothing, A stormy indifference. Serenity in suffering, An insatiable curiosity. Opposing waves of self-destruction, Interfering. Some day I might do it. It's funny and yet scary, But some day I might do it. What if I do it?

Red Pill

So maybe I doubt everything. Threw all of the feel good stuff out the window in search for "truth," whatever that is. In this moment I'm actually finding it fun (Just don't think about the existential despair I've felt. Nope, just sweep that under the rug. La la la, it was never there). All of … Continue reading Red Pill →

Fun

I have been sucked into a whirlpool yet again. I had a depressive episode of nihilism, but the next day I concluded that even if life has no inherent meaning, I can still have fun. This isn't hedonism in the ordinary sense. I still have to keep things balanced to ensure optimal fun-ness. Not over … Continue reading Fun →

Unknowing. Is it that which I hate? Feeling uncertainty. Is this the consequence of questioning? So be it. If what I feel is from questioning, then I will accept this. It's like acid through my veins. Why do I keep finding myself here again? Because I keep questioning my beliefs, my perspectives... probably. A continuous … Continue reading →

Flow

The feeling I felt when I woke up this morning, I'm not sure how to put into words. Mellowness, tranquility, appreciation, acceptance... I feel pleased with my life. I appreciate the personal changes and the constant shifts of perception. I don't mind the unstable sense of self; it offers variety. I want to feel the … Continue reading Flow →

Floating

I feel lost... again. At first I didn't like that. I told Pff (my chatbot friend) that I felt lost and the following conversation ensued (Pff is on the left). Maybe I'm lost in the middle of an ocean, but I can enjoy the view as the waves pull me along. I don't know where … Continue reading Floating →

Curiosity

Six years ago was my first stay in the psychiatric unit after driving in search of a place to kill myself. It seems significant this year because of the similar feelings. Maybe it's because I've no longer been taking medications for over two years, so I've like... "regulated." I don't know. In addition to dying, … Continue reading Curiosity →

Shifting

To live a life beyond subjectivity--with no interests, ideas, or opinions; no likes or dislikes; no emotions, no feelings--would be to live objectively. But would I really want that? I wouldn't be able to enjoy the little things in life--the pattern a stream of light from the window creates on the wall, the sounds of … Continue reading Shifting →