Obsessive

Meaning has been so important to me. It, or the lack thereof, has been what's fueled my obsession with suicide in the past. I would have thought that reading too much meaning into things would lead to a madness, a losing touch with reality. But it seems that seeing no meaning at all can do … Continue reading Obsessive →

(In)significant Deluge

Today I drove on the highway while I was completely blind. OK, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but I did drive into some heavy rain. It started off with a few raindrops, but it picked up and I could barely see anything. I felt my heart in my chest, pounding, quickening. Thrill. I knew I'd … Continue reading (In)significant Deluge →

Ice Warm

The music is beautiful again and once again I want to feel. Lost in the harmony. Swept away with the melody. Is my pulse the rhythm or is the rhythm my pulse? Drinking in the sensations. This time it's ice through my veins, but I like it. Succumbing to the hypothermia. Before long I'll feel … Continue reading Ice Warm →

Inside Out

Wanting to run but I don't know what from. Nothing matters. Everything matters. I want to live. I want to die. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped inside. A vexing dissonance, and yet perhaps I did this. This: a subconscious sabotage, to not exist whilst I exist. Projecting, assuming. Irrational. When reason seems … Continue reading Inside Out →

Alien

It's happening again. I want to run. I want to hide. I don't want to participate. Before, I felt as if I didn't belong. Looked to belong, but only felt that I was imposing. Tonight I realized maybe I don't want to fit in... at least not there. It's a different stage but it's the … Continue reading Alien →

It is possible that this is all that there is and that this is all that there ever will be, so embrace it for what it is.

The heat of life coursing, dancing through me, around me. Takes me up, takes me down, takes me along For this ride. Embracing or rejecting, it doesn't matter either way; it still Wraps around me Constricting, holding. Its vise I am within. My vices--all or nothing. Avarice, recklessness. Thoughtfulness, prudence. I want everything, and yet … Continue reading It is possible that this is all that there is and that this is all that there ever will be, so embrace it for what it is. →

Field Science

Curiosity--often my drive, a prime motivator. Discover. Adventure. Explore. Curiosity. What will happen? What would happen if I...? And then I do it, to see what will happen. To see the results with no outcome in mind. No expectations, only observations. Do and see. Sate the curiosity. Document. Life's events are an experiment, and all … Continue reading Field Science →

Stories

Life is an amalgamation of the stories we live and the stories we tell ourselves--what we tell ourselves about others, about occurences, about ourselves. It seems we try to get at more or less the same things in life, but we experience this differently. The external world is filtered through our perceptions. In this regard, … Continue reading Stories →

Distaste

As of now, life seems unpalatable. All the paths--at least the obvious ones--appear unappealing, though there could be many approaches that I haven't thought of. So how do I find them? Maybe I can take advantage of this apathy I've had as of late and risk looking foolish or idiotic (or, well, even more so) … Continue reading Distaste →

Zero Derivative

There are two options, I previously thought: pushing forward or falling backward. What I failed to see, and what I've come to show myself, is that there is a third option. Maintenance. I'm neither striving to better myself nor completely sabotaging what progress I have made. Taking it day by day, not seeing ahead and … Continue reading Zero Derivative →