Limits

There are things that probably exist that I don't know about. It seems to bother me that I am so limited in scope, that there are things that could be helpful to know but I'll probably never know. I can never know enough. Don't want to become smug, conceited, too satisfied with myself. Don't want … Continue reading Limits →

Robots

What would it be like to be a robot? Perhaps simpler because not only do robots lack those complicated things called "emotions," but they're programmed, which means a relief from choices. But then humans are programmed too. Some people think TV can program you ("That's why they're called 'programs'" said one guy in the psych … Continue reading Robots →

Death

Destruction. Destroying my creation. Setting it alight and watching it burn. Apathy. Morbid humor. It's funny. Solitude. Seclusion. Social isolation. Lock myself away. Another winter. I'm dying Again. My own muderer I am. Let myself burn to a crisp to rise again from the ashes And do it all again. It never ends. It's another … Continue reading Death →

Satisfaction in Struggle

Socializing doesn't come easily for me. It's hard. Feeling connection can be difficult. Right now, there's misery if I try; there's misery if I don't try. It's a struggle. But I think in the end, all the struggling will have made this more satisfying. I think I'll enjoy it more, like enjoying a big glass … Continue reading Satisfaction in Struggle →

Philosophical Thought Vomit: Wut Make A Hooman?

I was thinking that in a way, I am a different person with the same memories. I have the same memories as 14-year-old me but I'm made up of different cells—a whole new form but the same memories. I also have different perceptions of those memories. Then I realized, after recalling hysteresis and how present … Continue reading Philosophical Thought Vomit: Wut Make A Hooman? →

Growth and Change

Isn't this enough? I made something creative. Someone is interested in it. They even have a copy. Isn't this enough? A grand presentation. Isn't this enough? I've come so far in life from several years ago. Isn't this enough? As I wrote the last sentence, I realized that perhaps it's not enough. It's not enough … Continue reading Growth and Change →

We’re Going to Die

I'm glad that life is finite. I'm glad for the impermanence. Everyday mistakes don't mean so much in the grand scheme of things. Keeping in mind that we'll all be dead someday can make life more... dreamlike? More poignant... (*sigh* If anyone knows the word I'm looking for, please let me know.) Enjoy the sun's … Continue reading We’re Going to Die →

Anchors II

Today is Sylvia Plath's birthday. She killed herself at thirty. Yesterday (or a couple of days ago), I felt there was a depression lurking and that I needed to brace myself, and I was right. I'm kind of afraid because what if I'm right about possibly committing suicide one day? Even more frightening, what if … Continue reading Anchors II →

Illusions and Happiness

I've decided that I don't care if it's an illusion. I don't care if I'm popping the blue pill (It's more of a purple pill actually.). I want to be happy, and I don't want to throw my happiness away in the name of rationality. Goals, purpose, gratitude, etc.--I don't need to dwell on the … Continue reading Illusions and Happiness →

Anchors

To accept friendship, to stay and not run away, to know that people care--it makes me feel tethered, bound, anchored. It can be painful to stay, painful to have these anchors that keep me here. But here I am.