Again I'm in the waiting room. Again I've passed the point of contentedly coasting and reached the point of wanting something to happen. Last time I left here for a master's degree because I felt I didn't know what else to do with myself. I want to do something*, but the vague opportunities require more … Continue reading Liminal II
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Society
We depend on others. We hope that others will help us, must somehow earn enough favor for them to pay us Otherwise we could be left on the streets to die And not even in peace as they'll despise us for being homeless. "You're homeless? Just get a job!" But we must rely on others … Continue reading Society
Absurdity II
The human mind is like the dream and life itself is like waking life. Humans try to construe life to make sense to them, attempting to categorize things, drawing lines that end up being essentially arbitrary. Maybe the very idea of making sense is merely a human thing, or a mind thing. Does that make … Continue reading Absurdity II
Absurdity
I can feel like I don't want to be part of this world. When I'm dreaming, what happens in the dream can seem to make total sense. Then I wake up and reflect on the dream and realize that it didn't make sense. It didn't make sense that I could breathe underwater. It didn't make … Continue reading Absurdity
Thinking
A former teacher of mine once told me that I needed to think less about life and start living it. But I like thinking. I'd rather think about the reasons for and potential outcomes of an action before doing it. I'd rather scrutinize what's commonly considered a successful life rather than just trying to obtain … Continue reading Thinking
Isolation
I'll probably end up completely alone. Currently I have no friends because I felt I didn't want any and I haven't been reaching out to anyone. I have avoidant tendencies, can feel dismissive of relationships with others, and can be centered on being self-reliant. I realize my flaws and have a list of reasons to … Continue reading Isolation
Schism
In what I wrote the other day, I mentioned not wanting to actively achieve change. Currently, I don't like the idea of striving for change. I'm not necessarily trying to entirely prevent it either as change can happen on its own. It seems right now I'd rather go with the flow. Growth is a concept … Continue reading Schism
Freedom?
I thought to go the academic route as an alternative to the world of work. I would go for a doctorate if I would get paid for doing it like I did my master's. I got accepted into a program but it doesn't look like there'll be any available funded positions by the time the … Continue reading Freedom?
Loop
Content Warning: suicide, drug trip Summer Trip I last got high on a certain over-the-counter substance almost a year ago—August 10, 2020. I felt nostalgic of my past experiences with this substance. In addition, I was stuck in a pattern of thinking—much the same as I have been recently—and I wanted to "change" my mind. … Continue reading Loop
02:41
Why am I sitting outside at two in the morning? Insomnia. Felt bothered or irritated as I thought about life. Questioning therapy. "It seems like you want to get better because you're like, 'Hey, I'm in therapy, I want to start to feel better,' correct?" I said yes but what does it mean "to get … Continue reading 02:41
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