I can have feelings/thoughts of cognitive dissonance surrounding therapy, when therapeutic approaches can seem so outer focused (how to help you cope with the world as it is) and I can feel I’d rather detach from the reality/world at large. Though it might be insightful to relate my experience to intersectionality, for example, I can feel unattached to such societal concepts, and I can feel I’d rather turn inward than relate outward (or would rather “transcend this reality”).
Regarding the “societal concepts,” I can understand that some people can struggle in this society/world more so or in different ways than others. But ultimately, I think the system is detrimental for pretty much everyone. Anyone can struggle and suffer, and even those “at the top” benefit from scheming and stepping on others (or even screwing themselves in an attempt to screw others up), and I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone.
Keeping others down so they can rule over them, and in their efforts, keeping themselves down too. Because they could have so much more, so much better, if they allowed everyone else to have more and better too.
Last week, I had a trip. I found myself where I’d been wanting to be — alone without obligations to anyone. As the universe and everything, I had no obligations. Yet there was this underlying sadness.
Everyone was within the universe, including this current me.
I was helping it… I was helping the universe. Listening, empathizing. And I told it that it (we) didn’t have to keep feeling suffering (sadness). There were other options; I would help it transcend. Because you (I, we) deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve best.
Given that lately I’d been feeling like Helly from Severance, I had “gotten out” from within as I’d been wanting to do, and yet there was still sadness. And so I went back within as this me now, this me to help the universe — we’d find a way to make things better; there didn’t have to be this sadness, this suffering. I went back within and became this “me” again, to help from the inside.
It made me think of the trip I’d had on 7 June 2022, when I’d taken DXM as I imagined enacting the suicide plan I’d had. After that trip, I wrote something to try to summarize and make sense of it:
It’s out of its control; the universe is out of its own control.
Ok so like what if
the universe felt it needed help, so it created us and everything (it created help) OR it didn’t necessarily intentionally create us, but it turned to us for help? Because it’s not like it can get outside help if there’s nothing outside of it.
And not everything is entirely in its control, so unintentional things happen
And in trying to implement a solution, unintended consequences occur(ed)
And so the universe is not sure what to do, and we just need to help it, because the universe just keeps going and not necessarily intentionally. Like it’s just what happens, what is happening. It’s out of its control.
And in ways, the universe helps us to help it, and perhaps we (can) help it to help us. And I think it’s important for us (beings) to help each other.
Solutions already tried and failed. And then it seems we forget and so we end up trying the same things and failing again (like death as a solution). And what if each “solution/answer” creates a parallel universe (or reality) wherein that solution/answer is implemented, or something like that?
As I said in my last post,
Even if I’m just crazy and/or wrong, I think it takes someone to think outside the paradigms — outside what we just call “inevitable” or “reality” or what have you — to imagine or consider the possibilities and thus let our self-defined limitations fall aside enough to allow ourselves those possibilities. So I guess… dare to be crazy. Dare to be insaaaaaaaaaaaane! 🤪
And even if the explanation about the universe isn’t literally true, I think it creates a blueprint for a better way — where “better” means “less suffering.”
During some of our final communication together before ending our therapeutic relationship in favor of my working with someone more specialized, my last therapist — who’d previously been one to state that the end of suffering was impossible — wished for me to find a way to exist without suffering.
I profoundly appreciate that wish for me.
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