Transmaterial

Envisioning

Some people want to take over the world. I want to get away from it.

A place where time doesn’t matter.

A world where you never have to wash anything. No laundry necessary. A world where you never have to take out any trash. A world where you never have to do any cleaning nor tend to a body that needs maintenance and sustenance and that deteriorates. A world where planned obsolescence doesn’t exist.

Transcending the material as it currently is.

I envision something like the end of Pantheon (an animated series my friend recommended to me, saying they think I would like it–they were so right), something like the end of that series but more than that, transcending that. (I’ll not say more because spoilers.)

Celebrating Rejection

Thus far, I’ve been rejected from the program. Well, not outright rejected, but I wasn’t first choice. If one of the initial “chosen ones” doesn’t accept their offer, then an offer might be extended to me, but I don’t want that. I am okay with this. Ironically, and after initially feeling slight happiness/relief alongside slight disappointment, being rejected felt a cause for celebration.

I’ve felt before that my life is about making choices, making decisions — but in this instance, I didn’t have to choose whether to accept or reject, didn’t have to choose to reject and then have to explain my decision to The Person or wonder what if; the decision was made for me. And I was grateful for that.

The subtle disappointment–perhaps it was a sense of rejection. And even if I were extended an offer later (which I’m hoping against), I still wouldn’t have been first pick. (I’d be like sloppy leftovers!) So I suppose there was feeling not good enough (which I also feel a lot in my job and which watching Pantheon heightened for me). Yet I also wanted this result of not being selected–no worrying about a slash in income amid today’s expensiveness and inflation. (Abolish money.) No worrying about added stress. Plus the amount of social networking one might be expected to do in that program–Eugh! Additionally, I feel I’ve been bought more time. It also brings to mind my previous degree, when I kept postponing due to fear and then I started at what came to be an ideal time for me. Despite that, perhaps another reason for my very mild and subtle disappointment was my beginning to be open to something different, something new.

Even if I am rejected completely for the program, I totally got something out of the application process: There’s the person I connected with, who invited me to stay in touch regardless of whether I’m in the program. Perhaps they might help me find something more aligned with what I’d actually like to do. Or even if not, I got to share stories and thoughts with them. (Furthermore, my experience with meeting this person and then the contrast that resulted after meeting someone else reaffirmed to me that, for me, connection is far more than skin deep.)

Regarding something new and different, maybe I can create my own.

Something New and Different

The previous med I tried (after nearly eight years without psychiatric medication) didn’t work out for me. Instead of ketamine treatment, I wanted to try the medication I tried because it was something I could do at home and would be cheaper for me to do. But alas, it looks like we’re going the k route anyway.

The previous medication seemed to help me come to insightful conclusions (which was an effect I enjoyed — so awesomely trippy), so, despite my concerns that have developed about trying k (because the other medication seemed to fuck my shit up, fam), I’m curious about what insights I might have and how it might affect my outlook, my overall existential experience. My initial intake appointment happens to be on a significant day.

I mean, I could have tried to do k at home — there are legal online services for that — but, and especially after my prior experience with the at-home medication, I’d rather go the clinical observation route.

Perhaps I’ll “lose my mind” when trying this out, as I felt concerned about recently when I was having a moment of derealization (and also questioned if I still had a mind to lose (Maybe I’d already lost it! How could I lose something I didn’t have!?)), but what is “sanity” anyway?

Perhaps what’s largely considered sanity is being convinced of illusions. How ironic.