I’m not a man. I’m not a woman. To go from being referred to as one to the other—it’s helped me realize that not only am I not one, I am not and don’t want to be the other either.
Yet I will continue to drink the polyjuice potion tea. And when referred to as a particular gendered term as I am now perceived as a particular gender, I can continue to feel it doesn’t fit. But rather than have an identity crisis, as I felt I had after my first outing of that happening, I can now feel being referred to as such (1) is currently the lesser of two evils and (2) makes me feel content that I feel I’ve transcended something, in a way. It’s as though I’m discovering myself by having come to discover what I’m not.
Ah, I see. I’m not that either.
I can feel I’m a four-dimensional being living in a 3D world, as perhaps we all are in some way. Have transcended gender yet am perceived as one end of a binary, as one side of a gender coin. This isn’t me. Neither is that. Even beyond gender, can feel I don’t fit in the preconceived notions of what others identify me to be. That’s not me.
I’m not that.
If I must use an identity, I seem to prefer those that are a- identities—
agender, asexual, asocial—
identities that are not.
And yet, I am voluntarily undergoing a process that may result in a label (or labels) for me. But I view the process as a form of closure for something I once believed about myself eight years ago and as a means of learning more about myself.
Labels, identities—they can have their uses in a three-dimensional world. They can simplify things by reducing the number of dimensions. It can be important to keep in mind the dimensionality reduction, that some dimension has been lost. Four dimensions (or more) reduced to three (or less) and so the full picture isn’t seen.
Despite the situations of usefulness of labels and identities, I can want to transcend these things entirely. Maybe that would require transcending this world in some way. I’ve been asked more than once what transcendence is to me, and each time I’ve been unable to answer. Perhaps I will work on trying to verbalize this, maybe using metaphors and other figures of speech. Not only could it help others understand what I mean, it could help me gain clarity on what I myself am desiring.
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