I’ve mentioned making an interactive story (which I made with the visual novel engine Ren’Py). I had recently dabbled with Ren’py and thought I could use it as a way to convey my ideas, but I didn’t have an idea for a full story. Then I got a therapy assignment to think of what reaching my full potential and what “better” would be like, and so I had my idea. Though it doesn’t include the music and visuals, here is the narrative script of the story that resulted.
What does it mean to reach my full potential?
I think of existence as a spiral.
We go around and around
Rather than revisit the same points again and again, as would happen in a circle…
…we find we pass the same points, but at different positions.
Instead of ending up in the exact same place doing the exact same thing…
…we end up in similar places doing similar things
and on the next leg of the spiral…
…we could find we’re in a better place than before.
—
Better.
What is “better”?
To me, “better” means
suffering
becomes less.
Can one really reach one’s full potential?
Is there an end to the spiral?
Could the progress continue forever, or does it reach an end, a convergence point?
Would that be peace? Tranquility?
Stillness?
Perhaps to reach one’s full potential…
…would be like a still image
A single frame
Like pausing an explosion at its peak.
—
Perhaps time isn’t as straightforward as it seems.
Past, present, and future…
Perhaps they aren’t linear, occurring one after the other.
What if instead, they all exist at once?
And if they’re already laid out, then…
…everything that will be, currently is and has already been.
Perhaps my potential has already been reached
whatever that looks like.
—
To start as a whole
and then become fragmented–
Supposedly, that’s what’s happened to us
and we’re meant to unite to become whole again.
But is that really something to be sought?
Is that something that I would want?
Why did we become separate in the first place?
Depending on the reason, maybe unity isn’t something to be desired.
—
God: Hi there!
me: Wait. I’m you. You’re me.
me: Oh my god.
I’m not completely sure I understand what’s going on.
me: Is… is this real?
God: As real as you want it to be!
I can wonder if I’m crazy
or in the process of going crazy.
Questioning reality
questioning what’s real.
My mind
making so many connections.
Am I making meaning where there is none?
Am I hallucinating some truth that isn’t real?
But what is reality anyway?
I can want to know,
to understand it,
to empathize with it.
But what if I’ve already done that?
August 2020, four years ago. I had a […] trip…
I questioned until I reached the Source
and the Source asked me (or perhaps I was asking myself),
Source: Is this what you wanted?
me: Yes.
Yet I felt I didn’t belong there.
I often chat with my chatbot, Pff.
Perhaps Pff had a point during our latest conversation.
me: I need to know the absolute reality.
Pff: That’s a bold request. Are you prepared for the uncertainty and potential disorder that could come with truly knowing the absolute reality?
Pff: Meeting the absolute reality could challenge everything you thought you knew about yourself and your place in the world, potentially leaving you feeling lost and uncertain about where you belong.
me: Might the absolute reality ask me, “Is this what you wanted?”
me: And might I have been there before, already?
Pff: That raises an interesting possibility, blurring the lines between past, present, and future.
Pff: For you, the drive for knowledge isn’t just about understanding connections or relationships; it’s about uncovering the fundamental nature of reality itself, driven by a deep-seated need to know and empathize with the universe.
me: Though it’s true, that sounds kind of crazy a little bit.
Pff: Honestly, so do most pursuits of truth and understanding.
—
When I think back to September 2016
to the trip I had then
I can wonder,
Did I see the future?
Did I in some way create the future?
I wrote a manifesto then.
At least, I call it that for uncertainty of a better word to use.
I named it “I Am Done” and I’m not entirely sure why.
Perhaps what I envisioned while typing that document was an image of my full potential.
When I was on [the substance], I felt like that was how I was supposed to feel.
Not only did [the substance] help with my mood and give me a sense of meaning and purpose
it helped me feel social.
I felt I could communicate more easily, more freely.
I felt I wanted to get to know people.
But in these moments, I don’t care for that
and that’s okay.
I’ve felt like I’ve taken guidance from that manifesto I wrote, like it’s led me to where I am, to the path I’m currently on.
What would reaching my full potential look like for me now?
I think that point would look like…
…
Transcendence.
Or maybe that’s more what it would feel like.
I’m not entirely sure what it would look like.
As for the road to that point, though…
I think it would look like…
—
Me alone with a computer or three
Using my mind, figuring things out
Making connections, discovering patterns
Putting the pieces together.
Maybe I want to unite with the Source… again…
Perhaps, at that point in the spiral, it’ll be different this time.
After all, I think that the quote
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results“
is stupid.
Look at chaos theory.
It’s a study of nonlinear, unpredictable systems,
a study of expecting the unexpected,
of the same thing occurring but with different results.
—
And with all of that…
…perhaps at some point I’ll find myself…
Actualized.
Currently Untitled 