The morning started with depression. I had a package waiting for me outside that had been delivered yesterday. I was going to wait until the night or the wee hours of the morning to get it because not only did I not want to step outside, I didn’t want to be seen by anyone. I slept through the cover of darkness, however; it was daylight when I woke up and remembered the package.
After managing to finally get up and go outside, I returned to read the notice on my door about an inspection that would be occurring the next day or so, and my mood took a dive. Because that meant soon, someone would be coming inside.
I didn’t remember the last time I had cleaned.
I was hanging out and sleeping on the bathroom floor, for peep’s sake!
I remembered the last time I’d helped Mom prepare for her house inspection. I’d spent days cleaning and moving stuff to get the place ready. Then when the inspector arrived, they didn’t even look at anything.
Still sleepy, I just wanted to go back to sleep, and so I lay down again.
I just wanted to lie there. But I really needed to get a work thing done, because there would be a meeting about it today. Though I’d been enjoying my current job task, I slacked off yesterday even though I was supposed to be presenting updates today. On top of technical issues, disillusionment had returned. Feeling that I hated computers, I’d found myself questioning the path I’d taken.
I’d been recently avoiding consuming the chocolate protein powder I have. Though it can help me feel motivated and productive, it’s seemed to make me feel irritable–perhaps the caffeine from the cacao. But I wanted to get the task done, so today I risked the irritability in favor of dealing with my avolition.
Drinking the protein shake first before sipping my morning ~tea~ confirmed that it was indeed the protein powder that made me feel irritable. I decided I wouldn’t be consuming it tomorrow, or the next day, or the weekend… In addition to feeling irritable, I felt on edge. There was the inspection thing. There was this job stuff. I was second-guessing my planned two-month break from therapy. Mind wandering to suicide…
But no, I could get through this and the next two months. I had two months now rather than four. Two months down; two to go. Something to look forward to; something to live for. I would just focus on one thing at a time. First, complete the work task before the meeting in the next couple of hours. Then, I could clean to prepare for the inspection.
Minutes before the meeting, I pulled on a t-shirt and set up my laptop and meeting area and proceeded to tele-present my updates from the bathroom floor. Though I wasn’t pleased with my face, I did like my voice. So it seemed my delicious tea was working. Though I’d been considering increasing the strength, which is on the lower side, I might not even want to at the rate things seem to be going.
Whereas before I’d been dreading the meeting, I now found myself enjoying it. Discussing data. Showing graphs (so many graphs 😮 ). Feeling like I actually have an idea of what I’m doing. Freely asking questions rather than putting them off or pretending like I know what I’m doing. Feeling like whatever credit I might get from this will be deserved rather than undeserved. Enjoying whom I’m working with.
And then I cleaned for the next hours.
Hours.
Maybe like four to five.
I thought that at least with minimalism, it’s more difficult to have fire hazard violations. And I started to think that perhaps the inspection was a good thing. Aside from the potential of an unmasked person spreading the plague inside my place, this had incited me to actually clean. Who knows how long until I would have cleaned otherwise. Like my toilet is actually sparkling now. And my sink and tub are white again. And the floor has finally been swept.
So I went from feeling depressed to feeling happy. Happy to live here even though it can be hard living on my own existing. It can be helpful to focus on one thing at a time. No need to overwhelm myself by fretting about the next thing while doing one thing or by starting on another thing before finishing the first.
And maybe I’ve been fixating on the visit in the next two months and one week. Wondering what we’ll say during our discussion. I can find myself feeling happy and grateful that someone wants to have such a discussion with me.
Now just to make it through the next two days. One thing at a time.
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