Biolimits

After two weeks of sipping the tea, I’ve had my mix of depression and euphoria. Though yesterday’s appointment for a potential future thing went well enough, I left questioning everything. The seven-mile walk home was filled with self-doubt (What am I doing??); wishing I wasn’t like this, as I’ve done before; and frustration with life/biology and the limits of medical technology.

Paired with my uncomfortable self-awareness that I was an individual interacting with others, maybe I just didn’t want to exist.

Though I let my mind wander to the thought of suicide, suicide seemed not enough. And so I was at that point again where I didn’t know how to express myself—how to convey what I felt—or what to do.

I happened to have my weekly therapy session scheduled for later that day. In a hypothetical question, my therapist brought up the idea of being a half-human half-robot. It made me think of when I was tripping absolute balls several years ago, when I imagined a future of half-human half-computer people—the new mixed race.

I’ve thought before that perhaps the type of dysphoria I have is existential dysphoria more than anything else—dissatisfaction and dread for life/existence as it currently is. Solutions to issues seemingly creating more issues. Craving something better—a better world, a better existence. As of yesterday, again imagining something like a technological utopia.

With that comes another reason to feel engaged with my work. The thought of a better future. No matter how feasible a utopia may or may not be, it’s interesting, perhaps even useful, to dream.

Despite the resulting self-doubt, yesterday’s appointment echoed my prior formed conclusion to first savor the tea for some time before trying to pursue a further thing. Not only that, I can savor the work engagement I’ve been experiencing recently, with the project that I feel is far less dreadful and more in my element. And I can continue appreciating the inclusivity and acceptance of whom I’m collaborating with. Can appreciate working with someone who has knowledge of the other half of this interdisciplinary field.

Maybe one day we can surpass our current biological limitations. Maybe one day, whether or not those limits are surpassed but especially if they are in whatever way, I’ll have less disdain for the state of life and existence.

Also, given what I experienced after my recent walk, it seems it wasn’t the case that my tea was chamomile; rather, it was a combination of the little sleep and all the walking.

Anyway, here’s hope to a better future. Cheers!