Polarized

It started with changing my name. First as a preferred name—which brought about anxiety, excitement, an emotional high—and then the process of making it a legal name.

During that process, there were things brought to my attention, things that I’d had thoughts, even passing ones, of doing before. Given my new found situation within the last year, it seemed I had a better opportunity to do these things—the things. And so I began the process, using a certain identity for a better opportunity of everything going through. Because really I wasn’t doing it because of an identity, right? The identity was just a means to an end…

…right?

Fast forward to the present and I’m not sure if that identity was merely a means when other things related to that identity can also bother me. And so I thought that perhaps I was in denial.

No, I’m not this. Yes, I am this. No, I’m not this…

And with the things that I’d wanted to do, I can feel like yes I want this, but no I don’t want this, but…

As I’ve said before, it can seem a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation.

What if I’m making a mistake? What if this is wrong? What if I’m ruining my life? But what if I regret not doing this? What if I forever wonder what could have been? What if this actually makes my life better?

Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this way? I wish that I wasn’t. But a conventional life would be boring and I’d rather be this way that I am.

I want to take the risk. I want to play it safe. I don’t want to play it safe and I’m tired of the conventional. Maybe I shouldn’t take things for granted. I want to do something different, something else, take a detour. But what if I can never return from that detour? What if that’s a risk I’m willing to take?

I can feel scared and unsure if this is a good idea. I can also feel excited and raring to go. I’ve felt excited before and during doing something related to the things, and I’ve felt depressed afterward. And then the moods continue to interchange and fluctuate. I’m ready, I’m not ready. I want to do this, maybe I shouldn’t. I want to be out, to show myself. I don’t want to be out among others and I’d rather hide in the shadows.

It’s foggy and I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff, unable to see through the fog and to what’s below. Is it water? Is it hard ground? Are there jagged rocks? I could turn around and return to the familiarity of my everyday life, or I could take the dive and hope for new, better, exciting territory below.

In this moment I feel that I want to take the leap. I want to escape the familiar, try something new. If I happen to land and sprain an ankle or break a bone, then I can figure out how to deal with it. The important thing is I took the chance, I took the opportunity that had been staring me in the face daring me to take it rather than walking away.

I want to do this.

It’s interesting how it seems that, whenever I try to examine this polarized aspect, the “just do it” part wins out.

It must be a Nike spokesperson.