Path

I was on a roll with the work project until I got a reply to my email that I sent asking how to do something, and the reply was basically “go find some papers and figure it out for yourself.” After getting over my initial annoyance, I tried to do that and ended up still confused.

The Person wants results soon, but I’ve been procrastinating the last few days. Had been going to work on the project a few days ago, but then The Person gave me another task they wanted done that day. I sent an email to make sure I was doing the task correctly but didn’t get a reply, so I haven’t bothered with the task since. And in the meantime I haven’t done much work on the project.

I can feel like The Person and mentor are expecting too much from me, and it seems kind of ridiculous. There’s also the problem with exceeding requirements/expectations, because then the overachievement becomes the new normal and thus the new expectation. What was once a request to get something done in a week becomes a few days becomes the same day.

I tried to work on the project today, but I just felt so resistant. I can feel like I don’t want to do this, that I don’t want to work for The Person. That I want to say screw the obligations and their expectations. That I want to go my own way. That I even want to do something other than pursue a higher degree because the requirements or expectations can seem ridiculous.

I don’t like how idealistic The Person can seem, like they want to ignore the bad sides of this field (or even certain things in real life, it can seem). Recently I’ve felt that there’s just something about The Person that I can’t quite put my finger on, that it could be a reason that they stay busy so often. Maybe they want to keep their mind off something, or maybe they just have a vision that they want to achieve, or maybe it’s a bit of both. And when I think back on The Person’s responses when I told The Person that my mom was ill and they wanted me to do certain things anyway, it can make me feel like there’s just something about The Person. I mean, I don’t even know all that much about them personally. But maybe it’s not even that deep and it’s just a matter of conflicting priorities.

Feeling too irritated to go the people-pleasing route, I can feel I don’t have much incentive to work on the project, to do this. I haven’t felt as fearful/paranoid about getting fired as I have in the past because I can feel like maybe it could open a door, a way to something else, something that I might find better or more freeing or something. A way to my own path.

There might be more security in this path that’s seemingly been chosen for me by The Person, but what if I feel I want or need to explore beyond that? Perhaps I know not what I ask for, what I would be getting myself into. Maybe it’s the whole “wanting something more” thing. Or wanting something that is my own… or something. Like four years ago when my dad said he wanted me to stay at home rather than venture out on my own, and I wrote at the time, “I feel like I’m the only one around me who expects me to establish a life of my own, to forge my own way.”

Maybe I dislike feeling tied down and bound, tethered to someone. Maybe the online person I went to for advice on getting out of something The Person wanted me to do when my mom was ill was right when they said how The Person acted then was an omen of things to come if I continued to work with The Person, but right for a different reason. The Person isn’t a horrible person; they’re certainly nice enough. It’s just… MAYBE I’M TOO FIERCE AND CAN’T BE TAMED.