Car

A few hours after having my car battery replaced on the side of the street (day 315), I realized that battery was the one that my mom had bought. I hadn’t thought about it and felt sad that I hadn’t gotten a picture of it. And when I realized, I kinda felt like I’d lost a part… not necessarily of her, but I guess related to her. I thought about how there were still the other car parts that she had paid for as well.

I remember when my mom and I were sitting at the auto parts store, possibly some days after the car had died on us at the grocery store and I had an adventure waving people down to give us a jump start. At the auto parts store, I was too afraid to turn off the car in case it wouldn’t start again. We had the worker replace the battery on the spot, and Mom tipped the guy afterward. I thanked Mom for buying me a new battery, one of the pricier ones. That battery—along with the other parts Mom had replaced beforehand and also after when there were still problems and worries about the car stopping—and the car in its entirety got me and Mom to her appointments and to the hospital (as less than a week later, Mom had gone to the ER for pain, and I wrote the post Frightened). It got me back and forth between home and the hospital when I was staying at the hospital with Mom. Got me to the store and back to pick up groceries and other things that Mom needed. Got me out of town a hundred miles away, and then thousands more miles away when I moved here.

After having the battery replaced on the side of the street, I seriously considered parting with my car after the anxiety of hoping it would start again and, when it did start again, the fear that it would stop on me considering that it sounded concerning when I drove it, as though it could stop at any moment and made me think of the high stress/anxiety situation of the car having had all these problems when my mom had been around. The current problems seemed similar if not the same.

I had been thinking about parting with my car since I moved here because parking and needing to move my car to avoid parking citations felt very inconvenient. There was a lot of back and forth about the decision, but yesterday (day 322), I finally pulled the trigger. With the hasty decision of who to sell it to, I didn’t have to deal with moving it that day or the next and going through the anxiety of hoping it wouldn’t stop on me. Yet also with that hasty decision came the qualms with how much I parted with my car for. I’ve done a similar thing before, regretted letting go of something for a certain price (as well, my mom hadn’t always been pleased with how little I’ve let things go for), that something being video games and a game console, which my dad had paid for for me and I sold after his death. It was made worse by the reaction of others at how much I let the items go for and the revelation of who I’d sold it to. I wrote about it later.

Dec. 5 2020  7:14 PM

I wish that money wasn't an issue. It's really annoying to stress over it and be so concerned about it. It's annoying to feel like I keep needing to get more. I worry about being or becoming greedy and at the same time I worry about being a pushover or selling things too cheaply. It would be great if money wasn't such a concern. I dislike spending money. At the same time, I don't like selling stuff. Was that price too high? Was it not enough? Feeling like a pushover idiot… I just… I don't want to be greedy, and I don't want money to be such a concern. I don't like this. Who decided money should be a thing? Fuckiiiiing moneeeeey.

Similar to now, my inner critic (Feeling like a pushover idiot…) was trying to protect me from being gotten over on and ending up in a bad financial situation (Thank you, inner critic, for your efforts.)*, yet I’ve ended up being fine after that and eventually stopped regretting it so much.

*Boom, therapy assignment done.

Regarding how I currently feel about the money, though, I can remind myself that there’s saving money on auto repairs and car insurance. I’ve been spending on my car since I moved here: in October, taking the car to a mechanic to resolve an issue that I hadn’t resolved before leaving for here (and then it still sounding like the problem hadn’t been resolved), car registration in November, the new battery this month… There was also the parking citation in October too (day 191).

Letting go of my car wasn’t just about the money; there was also wanting to let go of the stress and anxiety. And the car was just sitting there and not being taken care of (There were even cobwebs on the side mirror.), so perhaps it’ll be better taken care of now, as the buyer who bought it explained that it would be fixed up.

I can have less anxiety about causing a car accident or hitting pedestrians, less concern about being part of the problem or imposing, less worry about parking citations. I get to take advantage of living in an area where I haven’t needed a car. The main reasons I found myself driving it anywhere were car-related (e.g., the DMV, an automechanic), which I wouldn’t have needed to bother with if I didn’t have a car in the first place.

A year ago, all the car problems made me feel so anxious and frustrated—when the car would stop on me, or that time Mom and I were picking up groceries and the car wouldn’t start when she tried to leave. I vented in my journal, cursing the necessity of a car.

Thursday 30 Dec 21   17:38

Rode with Mom today to pick up the groceries [...] and the car stopped. We were going to leave after having the groceries placed in our car [but we had a] dead/low battery. I felt the panic attack-y feeling rising. So much anxiety about car problems. Like why the fuck does this shit have to be a thing, goddman. Fucking having to have a car to get around and shit.

[...]

We got home being afraid the car [would] stop on the way. Like what if we [stopped] at a [r]ed light and the car stopped? Something like that happpened to me once with that car when someone had just boosted it and I took it for a drive as they recommended and I stopped at a stop sign and the car fecking stopped. FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT FUCKING CAR PROBLEMS AND SHIT GODDAMNIT.

So yeah, car problems really stressed me out. Now I get to live without that stress.

Regarding the time my car had stopped on me at a stop sign, it was in a non-busy residential area not too far from the house. (Fortunately, I didn’t take it on the highway like I’d thought about doing.) I didn’t have my phone with me so I ran back home to tell Mom what happened, and she drove the other car around (when we still had it). When I wasn’t sure how to attach the booster cables (before learning how to do it myself and getting over the anxiety of possibly causing a feckin’ explosion), Mom asked for help from someone (to my dismay…) who happened to be walking by, and they attached the cables between the two cars and directed us on what to do. Then I drove my car home (and went to my bedroom feeling like some damsel in distress—feeling helpless and lacking in self-sufficiency). So that was with Mom around with another car and on a quiet road. Here, I’m on my own in a busy area, so it could be even worse should something like that occur.

I get to willingly live without a car—something that it seems so many people wouldn’t even imagine doing here. Perhaps with selling my car, I’ve bought myself more peace of mind.

Even though right now the sunk cost fallacy is still weighing on my mind (Mom poured money into it. I put money into it. I could have kept it until I couldn’t drive it anymore. I could have tried to get more money for it.), I’ll perhaps get over this like I did with the video games and game console. That along with other things I ended up parting with. Thinking about it, I feel that parting with things has simplified my life—less stress about having certain items and trying to bring them along with me.

I appreciate that my parents invested in the car. At the same time, I want to remind myself that I am not throwing that appreciation away by having sold my car. I don’t think that I’ve sold out or betrayed my parents. Perhaps if they knew of my situation they would be understanding. As well, my parents weren’t the car, and parting with the car is not parting with them. I also haven’t parted with the memories. Finally, I can give myself credit for getting this far—both mentally and geographically. Perhaps I’ve found myself somewhere with a better political climate (a reason that I’d rather not go back to where I moved from), a place where I can feel more free to be myself. And now maybe I can feel less ready to zoom out of here given I’ve parted with my car and the woes that come with having a car here.

Maybe I’ll find myself facing some issues with not having a car, but there’ll probably be solutions, just as there were solutions for the problems I was having with keeping a car. In the meantime, I can enjoy the elimination of the stress and anxiety of dealing with car issues.