1:58 P.M.
I can feel like I don’t want to do this anymore. Other than wanting to die, I can also feel that I want to be on to the next thing.
What if I were to throw it all away? Just as one might toss in the trash something they don’t attach much meaning to, say a crumpled piece of paper, I could toss this in the trash. (Or watch it burn.)
I wanted to try my hand at living on my own, and I got that. And what did I expect?
I don’t want to go back, don’t want to rewind the hands of time. I just want to get out of here (out of life).
The job and my academics are currently on what one might consider easy mode, relatively speaking. Yet I still don’t want to do them.
Walking back from work, I felt that perhaps I liked the bit of chaos that I felt. Felt I wanted to let the chaos consume me, to let the void vacuum me in. Would perhaps prefer chaos over the mundanity/status quo.
I’m at a similar point of where I was before I moved here. Then, it was one month after I moved before the existential dread drove me to my knees and made me want to hurt myself as I wished deeply for an exit. Now, it’s taken four months. Then, I moved three months later after that existential episode, or four months after first moving in. And now?
Moving locations would perhaps be a repeat of this experience. Maybe moving on to a next thing soon after would help, never settling for too long.
Liberation, freedom—that which I want and that which I thought I found in not giving a fuck. After describing in therapy the “carefreeness” I had felt the days prior, that reckless abandon, I now wonder if it had actually been apathy. And perhaps I will continue to ride that wave or that spiral of apathy.
3:33 A.M.
What would I need to make this better? Perhaps a break. A break from the project. A break from meeting about it every week. A break from being asked about and being expected to produce results.
Seeing as I’ve been doing more of the same with little to no break for the past year, perhaps this is a form of burnout for me. I feel like I just want to take some time away. If I could somehow take the next month or two off…
I told my mom I could put my academic program and such on hold for her. Maybe now I need to do so for myself.
I’m just not sure how.
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