Simplicity

Moving here—I feel I enjoyed the journey more than I enjoy the destination. On the way here, I splurged a bit on the food and lived life at least a little during that time. Man… that food is nostalgic, like that crispy tofu sandwich or that burrito that I ordered and didn’t realize would be g i g a n t i c.

I think it’s ironic that I’m here. Some years ago, I concluded that my purpose for living was irony, but maybe this is too much irony for my own good.

Why did I even come here? It was an opportunity that came out of nowhere. Beforehand I was living on a stipend and there was a possibility funding wouldn’t continue to be available for it in the very near future, so the opportunity out of nowhere gave me access to a more certain income. I didn’t even have to ~~sell myself~~ struggle in an interview!

About Living Here

Neat Things

Things are in walking distance
Not only can I walk to work but I don’t have to go in every day
Inclusion and diversity
Masks are required at my work place

Sucky Things

The traffic and parking
The homelessness
The rent prices
The number of people
Why is my mail so frequently getting lost!?!!!? (day 217)
The times my upstairs neighbor animorphs into an elephant (especially late on weeknights)

Neat Things that are Neat Because of the Sucky Things

Finding a place to park for the second time in the same day and then not having to move my car until next week. (I was thinking I could part with my car since owning one has been a main stressor here, but, like, I need something to get me out of here!)
My financial adaptability given my furniture-free; beans, rice, and oats lifestyle (Had my fun with donuts (days 166 and 171), now tightening the purse strings again)
When I get back home to my closet (yes, it’s still my bedroom)

Just let me help the people… but away from the people.

Outside of most of these things, my life isn’t all that different from before. I still largely work alone and I’ve embraced my previous pattern of not going out of my way to try to associate with people. Before, it seemed there would be more opportunity for me to relate with people in a place like this, but I’m pretty much as isolated as ever so I could at least be isolated somewhere that’s more affordable and otherwise more convenient to live. (I prayeth yond the Moving Gods anon blesseth me with a valorous opp’rtunity to doth so.) I want to contribute remotely, from behind the scenes (I mean, I work with computers not people).

Growth, growth, growth. What are we, a bunch of tumors!?

Should my therapist object to my reasons on the grounds of “growth that leads to fulfillment or greater happiness,” I could say, “I thought it was about contributing to the greater good, as you said that one time, not personal happiness.” There are conditions that would put me in a better situation to contribute to that so-called greater good rather than just trying to put out my own fires. Additionally, I don’t want to be constantly seeking and hoping for something more. I want to live a simple life helping out in the background, content with the solitudinous simplicity and not chasing after growth.

A simple life—wanting such is something I came to while reflecting in the backyard at my dad’s house over three years ago, this after a bout of self-help and personal growth obsession. I wanted a low-stress lifestyle even though there were people saying that was impossible or that they didn’t know what that meant, the same people who think you’re pitiful if you don’t have a regular job or do school or otherwise busy yourself all day. (“Bah!” to them I say, “BAAAAAH!”) I wanted to figure out how to attain such a lifestyle, but seemingly I’ve headed in the opposite direction due to circumstances.

I don’t care about climbing a career ladder. The only reason I’m currently climbing the academic ladder is that things just worked out this way, and I’m fortunate that things fell into place.

Coping

Despite how I feel about living here, I think I’ve been handling it relatively well, “relatively” meaning as compared to my coping skills in the past. One word to summarize my past coping methods would be self-harm. The anxiety and depression can still be there, but perhaps the following things have been helping:

For the anxiety: No caffeine and no added sugar (well, not since the donuts…), retreating to the darkness of a closet, herbal tea, magnesium

For the depression: Exercise from all the walking—probably helps with the anxiety too (when the noisy, speedy traffic isn’t getting to me at least)—and maybe past “trips” when now I wonder if suicide would even be the end of it all

Eating healthy is also kind of ironic since I can think that I don’t want to live long. But for me, healthy eating is about feeling better than I otherwise would and avoiding healthcare costs (and now it’s also part of being fit enough to get to my job) rather than longevity. Besides, isolation is supposedly as bad as smoking in terms of longevity, so at least I have that going for me, right?

The Job

Maybe I’ve had days when I clock in and check out but that’s perfectly understandable given everything that’s happened (oh look, I’m not as hard on myself as I used to be). I’ve been wondering what I’m doing there since I have no job-specific tasks, but it seems mostly everyone is just working on their own projects anyway.

It’s cushy enough. Just park myself in a cubicle for several hours which can suck when I can do everything from home perfectly fine. But at least I don’t have to be there every day and I do end up getting exercise when I walk there and back, and even though I’ve started feeling slight dread when I think about walking there, I’d probably feel even more dread if I had to drive.

Regrets of moving here?

At least I know what would have happened had I accepted the opportunity and moved here. At least I know that I don’t like living here. Perhaps it’s a “grass is greener on the other side” thing, but maybe it isn’t only that and I really do have a better idea of what I’d like my life to be like (i.e., simple… like I’d already concluded years prior). Perhaps my income has solidified that as well; it’s not like I’m making mountains of cash, so I can be even more focused on not over-complicating my life with superfluous things.

I’m not sure how I would go off on my own and establish myself elsewhere considering

this opportunity and my current position are largely thanks to someone else
I’m gaining no job-specific experiences and it’s not like I’ve got good references at this job seeing as I can go entire days without talking to anyone there (haha networking, what’s that?)

So I’m hoping that this someone else gets me out of here ~~but maybe I’ll have to betray them and strike out on my own (shh, don’t tell them that)~~… ahem, actually, it’s probably better not to burn the few bridges I have.

Though the thought of it gives me anxiety now, I guess we’ll see how things are faring a few months from now. It just occurred to me that it will have been a whole year since the start. I feel a bit more fortified now because I feel she would have believed in me.

I’m not crying; you’re crying.