Uncertainty

So maybe death is an illusion (an illusion in the sense of it not being the end that we think it can be) and maybe we’re eternal, but of course these are just maybe’s. Though many may speak with self-proclaimed certainty, how does one know that one knows? And then how does one know that one knows that one knows? And on and on.

Religion can try to fill the gaps of uncertainty, but so too can non-belief–ardent atheism or materialism for example–to believe with utmost conviction that there is nothing more beyond the realms of science as it currently stands. Blind faith and rigid non-belief are seemingly similar and I’ve been on both sides.

I searched the web for “metaphorical suicide” to perhaps find some ways to express that part of me that wants to self-terminate, and I found a website discussing spiritual evolution and unity. I read it both critically and with an open mind–at some parts having flashbacks to or feelings of past trips–and it brought up more questions.

More questions.

I can feel that I just want to know. I want to know. I want to know it all. What is life and why is life? Why are we doing any of this? Is it all just biologically driven or is there something else, something more?

The uncertainty–I felt I could not handle it. And yet, I just had to handle it, just had to deal with it, because what else could I do outside of covering it up with obdurate beliefs?

Rather than speaking with utmost conviction, I’ll acknowledge that I do not know, I do not know for sure even though I wish to know. Is death really an illusion? I don’t know; maybe. Are we eternal? Who knows, and if we are, then why, and why are we here and what are we doing? What. Are. We. Doing? What is any of this?

I don’t know and all I can do is speculate and reason aloud to myself as I pace around in my small, pricey domicile in Large, Expensive City and reassure my cat that I’m not insane… maybe… okay maybe I am but just a little.