Impostor

I can feel that I’m not good enough and that I don’t know enough. I can think that others think I’m better than I am. I can also think that I’ll be found out and revealed as the impostor that I can feel that I am. To avoid being exposed and also to try to improve my skills and fill what I think are the gaps in my knowledge, I turn to self-study.

With so many areas that I think I can and need to improve in, sooooooo many videos and courses and books, and so much information to sift through, I can feel unfocused and overwhelmed which gives rise to the all-or-nothing thinking of perfectionism—either I try to learn all the things or I just give up because it’s too much.

I can have difficulty finding the balance that would result in honing my skills and increasing my knowledge without going overboard or giving up completely. It’s a problem I’ve had before with self-improvement when I would constantly try to improve myself and seldom feel good enough, rarely being appreciative of my current qualities and achievements. This can rouse the rebel in me. Perhaps this rebel is partly fueled by perfectionism. It revolts against trying to meet the perceived standards. It also scoffs at being so concerned about what others think. But there’s a balance there too, because when you live in a society, what others think about you can affect you.

I’ve been feeling anxious about potentially being “exposed.” But then I think about the worst that could happen. I fail or get kicked out of the PhD program? That’s not necessarily that bad. I can try to find something else to do.

Grades

It can be so easy to just chase after grades. Grades can discourage pursuit of one’s true interests and instill fear of making mistakes. During my undergrad, I changed my major to something I thought was easier because the courses were getting difficult and I didn’t want to get anything less than an A. I heard other students talking about coursework in my previous major, though, and felt like the grass was greener on the other side so, after one semester of the new major, I changed my major back to what it was originally.

Grades can be inhibiting. Even though math has been one of my weakest subjects for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get better at it and I even chose a major that required a lot of math courses. Yet grades can inhibit exploring and pursuing interests for fear of making an undesirable grade.

The Accident

I unintentionally made all A’s for the first time in elementary school. I received praise from teachers and it’s possible they thought I was extra special because I was a new student at the time, having moved during that school year. I got approval from my parents (and a payout for each A from Dad). Prior to then, I don’t remember caring that much about grades, so I think the fifth grade event of the accidental A’s was the defining occurrence that led me on my path of perfectionism. Anything less than an A on my report card was disappointing.

“Smart”

Even when I was more carefree and made average grades, people would call me smart and I didn’t know why. Once in fourth grade, I was waiting in line in front of the white board for my turn to solve a multiplication problem of two multiple digit numbers. A classmate behind me said I would solve it because I was smart, and I was probably thinking how not smart I was going to prove myself to be in front of the entire class when I totally screwed up this problem because I was always behind in math.

Flash forward to present day, I can feel that I’m just playing the role of being “smart.” Like smart is a certain behavior or way of talking or something and I just go through the motions of what I think people think that is. It’s led me to question what “smart” and “intelligent” mean. I’ve tried to toss aside the words because I feel they can be limiting, at least for me, like grades, adding to the fear of making mistakes or asking “stupid” questions. And I don’t want to feel restricted, trying to fit within the so-called smart box.

Conclusion

All of this to say, um… feck it and just do it. Yeah, it’s that easy, right?

I don’t want to limit myself and avoid doing things, that I would otherwise be interested in, for fear of sucking at those things. Learning curves are a thing. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn something but I can be decent at it once I get it.

I don’t seem to have been “found out” yet, so maybe there’s not much to worry about in that aspect. I don’t know. Less thinking, more doing.

And even if I suck and fail and don’t get good, maybe I can find something I am good at or some other opportunity.