I’ll probably end up completely alone. Currently I have no friends because I felt I didn’t want any and I haven’t been reaching out to anyone. I have avoidant tendencies, can feel dismissive of relationships with others, and can be centered on being self-reliant. I realize my flaws and have a list of reasons to avoid people including, but not limited to,
- not liking to feel obligated
- feeling that relationships require more effort than I’m willing to give
- potentially being idealistic
- Real life people haven’t been able to match up to my imagination I guess, or I’ve tried to pretend that they do, and I subsequently become bored and disappointed or disillusioned.*
- thinking that staying this way is better for me and anyone else who could interact with me
- fear of doing too much or imagining too much (see the aforementioned “idealistic” reason)
- fear of trying to get too close and afraid of being delusional and overstepping boundaries or being inappropriate (frequently wondering, Is this weird? Am I being weird?)
- not wanting to cause harm in general
- wanting to
- Maybe not having people in my life for the long term is something I’m used to. Even when, two years ago, I had encountered a potential friendship I would have liked to have had, I still felt compelled to “walk alone.” As well, the idealist in me likes that I left that encounter where I left it.
*It’s why I used to like the “one night stand” idea of having interesting conversations with people I would possibly never see again. It’s like owning books. Why own so many books when I can just borrow them from the library and then return them? There’s less clutter, and I don’t have to take care of the books and dust them off or bother reading them again. I don’t even have to finish them; I can leave off on a good part and avoid a potentially disappointing ending.
Two years ago, I was out and about and trying to connect with people. So what happened? Other than burning myself out, possibly the main thing that happened is the pandemic. I suppose I’ve had time to reflect on all the socializing I did, all the questionable moments that occured and the frequent feelings of alienation. Perhaps my typical avoidance returned, maybe stemming from the depression, or maybe it just became easier to fall back into my old ways and my unpleasant experiences gave me extra ammo against socializing.
The pandemic has given me a legitimate excuse not to go out, and I feel fortunate to be able to stay home. I’d rather not go out and bring the virus home—then it’s possible that I would be completely alone, not to mention housing issues; although I had a bout of anxiety the other day and began to prepare for the worst. Hooray for intellectualization.
My seclusion has sometimes felt desolate yet a sacrifice that I’m willing to make. Currently I have no incentive to change. It’s also not like there are blatant opportunities and even then I have my compilation of reasons not to. I much prefer to sit back and watch than to interact, and I can do that because INTERNET. Who needs human connection when you have internet connection?
I can see myself remaining here for the foreseeable future unless something drastic, like what I started trying to prepare for, happens. I’m really not sure how I would handle that. Perhaps my defense mechanisms would carry me through, at least in the beginning.
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