Schism

In what I wrote the other day, I mentioned not wanting to actively achieve change. Currently, I don’t like the idea of striving for change. I’m not necessarily trying to entirely prevent it either as change can happen on its own. It seems right now I’d rather go with the flow.

Growth is a concept that gets thrown around a lot and I seem to have an aversion to that, maybe because of how often it’s used, or maybe because of my contrariness as of late. I mean, growth isn’t always good—look at tumors. Maybe my aversion is also partly because of the subjectivity of so-called growth, the subjectivity of “bettering” oneself.

Sometimes, maybe even often, I’m myopic and don’t realize that there have been points in the past where I’ve been the antithesis of what I am in the present. There was a time when I embraced “growth” and change and when I embraced feelings and experiences. Now I shun those times. I look back on that antithetical self and see someone who is more emotional and unrealistic—even at times delusional—than logical and rational.

Perhaps the way I am now is a result of overcorrection, an attempt to keep a distance from the intense person I could be before. Or maybe I’m just making up reasons for something that naturally occurred.

Am I afraid of returning to those times? I can be afraid of doing something in a certain state of mind, something that’s irreversible and that from this perspective, I would hope that I would never do. It’s like Bro A saying to Bro B, “Yo, if I ever get that way, shoot me, bro.” And I can be afraid of being “delusional” and harming others in some way, even if it’s not intentional. I can be afraid of passion, that emotional paradox. And from here, I often look on certain feelings with disgust.

It seems I prefer the cool calmness of now to the fiery fervor of then, the stability to the turbulence. If I do end up back there, I hope that I utilize what I’ve gleaned from this current perspective to steady the waters at least a little. Perhaps I could somehow reconcile the two.