Why am I sitting outside at two in the morning?
Insomnia.
Felt bothered or irritated as I thought about life. Questioning therapy. “It seems like you want to get better because you’re like, ‘Hey, I’m in therapy, I want to start to feel better,’ correct?” I said yes but what does it mean “to get better?” What is “better?”
Perhaps it’s that I don’t view myself as what needs to get better. I don’t see myself, but life itself, as the problem. And I can think that the conclusions I have drawn are rational given how I see life. I decided to continue therapy to make life seem more bearable for now. At least that’s how I justified it to myself. The initial reason was actually, “Might as well try to get something out of this insurance this month since I unnecessarily paid so much for it.”
And now I’m sitting outside in the dark getting bitten by buzzing mosquitoes. Questioning therapy. Against taking medication due to my overdosing, drug-misusing past and my negative, seemingly treatment-resistant experience. Right now, the risks seem to far outweigh any possible benefits.
I feel fine right now. A little while ago I felt depressed but then I felt okay about it, and now I feel fine. Some seem to think that I need therapy like I need water, but I don’t agree. The reason I started therapy again was that I’d gotten to a point, after quitting about two years prior, where I wanted to develop resilience and independence so that I could hold a job and live on my own.
That interest died eventually. And then it was ignited again and I ended up joining both group and individual therapy… but I quit group therapy because I, as a robot alien from the planet Beep Borp, didn’t want to belong among the icky hoOmAns. After the initial reason of getting a job died, the group would ask why I was there and I would reply that I had nothing better to do. They didn’t believe that was why I was there though. But really, I had nothing better to do.
I thought a number of times about quitting the individual therapy too—questioning the point, uncomfortable truths being revealed—but I didn’t quit until I would have had to pay out of pocket for insurance reasons. And here I am again, with a new therapist (whom my insurance fully covers), feeling that I have some cognitive dissonance with continuing therapy.
Therapy was useful for learning about myself. But people seem to view me as worse off than what I feel I am and maybe I just want to take a step away for some time to gain perspective… or something. If it’s true that I need therapy like I need water, then I suppose I will find out, and at least I’ll have come to find out for myself.
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