Feariosity

I don’t like the idea of being part of a group. I quit one a year ago. At the same time, I feel like I need a safety net. Maybe I don’t need groups for that purpose. Maybe other individuals would do. It’s a matter of getting myself to find and keep them.

I’m afraid to want to cling to life, while simultaneously, I fear my potential future actions. I’m not sure what to think about life. I feel caught in an in-between, dual states that vibrate at such a frequency that they nearly blend together.

I don’t want to feel tethered and bound here, but I suppose I fear not feeling that way. I don’t like the idea of agreeing with the advocacy for life, yet it seems my feelings for the antithesis are currently wavering. I don’t want to get caught in beliefs that I take to be facts, stubbornly refusing to let them go or to consider that they’re a perspective and not necessarily a truth.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what if my main anchor falls away, with plans from survival to voluntary death and back again. I’m not sure what the future holds. Quite recently, I’ve felt less bitterness and disappointment and more acceptance for life as it is, for existence. I look to the future with fear and curiosity.

I don’t want to have hope for the same reason that I don’t want to cling to life–it can so easily slip away. I suppose instead, I’ll be more of an observer or a passive participant simply along for the ride.