Reflection

Seven years ago around this time (September), I tried to end myself. What’s changed since then?

I don’t feel as terribly depressed. Though the existential crises can still be difficult, I’m more or less acquainted with them.

I’ve learned that I have social anxiety. I’d get this weird feeling either during or after being around people and it really sucked and I didn’t know why. I just knew that I didn’t quite so much like interacting with people. The not-very-good feeling can still happen, but now I know that it’s anxiety. It’s helpful to have a name for it.

Relating to the anxiety, I had a college internship at the time and I felt like I hated it. I didn’t like the people—or at least one person in particular. She got to me, honestly. And I didn’t like the work environment. Interestingly, I’m currently in college again with an internship. Before the pandemic, I would go in person once a week and I did have a lot of anxiety about it, a lot of it to do with impostor syndrome and generally like I had no idea what I was doing. The environment was nice and the people were way nicer and more mature though. Since then, my confidence has grown and I feel a lot more capable. It’s also been awesome that I’ve gotten to improve my self-confidence from the comfort of my own home. Sure, even the video meetings might give me anxiety, but it’s tolerable. And again, I have a name for it. Getting drunk/high on herbal tea has helped too. Valerian: “nature’s Valium.”

I suppose another change is that over the years, I’ve come to consider my parents more in the decision of whether to commit suicide. I still have thoughts, but I think about my parents, even if I have felt annoyed that it holds me back. I no longer try to rationalize my way out of caring about their feelings and I just accept the fact that I do care… even if I am rolling my eyes in the process.

Sure, I can still have existential depression. Sure, there’s still anxiety. Sure, I still think about suicide. But I feel like things are better now. I’ve kicked detrimental habits, I’ve gained self-confidence, I’m at least a little bit less perfectionistic and less hard on myself. Seven years ago, I attempted suicide because I felt like I wanted to escape. I can still feel that way, but now I can get sloppy drunk on herbal tea and watch dumb YouTube videos and pass out.