Obsessive

Meaning has been so important to me. It, or the lack thereof, has been what’s fueled my obsession with suicide in the past. I would have thought that reading too much meaning into things would lead to a madness, a losing touch with reality. But it seems that seeing no meaning at all can do that as well. Wouldn’t it be easier, so much healthier, to believe in something? So why don’t I do it? Why do I keep rejecting everything? It’s like the world doesn’t seem real anymore, or maybe that it seems too real. I feel insane. I feel ridiculous. I feel…

I feel like I’m vulnerable, susceptible. For me, meaning could become obsession to the point of delusion. Maybe that’s partly why I reject everything. I don’t want to get carried away, don’t want to become an obsessive who’s lost touch with reality. And yet it seems I have found unsoundness in my attempt at rationality.